I heard you but I wasn't really listening...

If you are like most people, you would have experienced being in a conversation with with someone, and you get a sense that they aren't really paying attention to you... sometimes it's not obvious it's just a feeling and other times well it's clear they aren't really listening, you will notice their eyes looking around scanning the room, or they are checking their phone for messages and Facebook updates, or they randomly comment on something totally irrelevant to what you were saying... it's frustrating isn't it!
On the flip side, when feel you have been truly heard, how wonderful does it feel? It's like you have a deep connection with the person involved, you feel really satisfied.

One of our biggest challenges with dealing with other people is effective communication. Being able to share your thoughts and wishes effectively is a skill most people have: but you also have to be open to what others have to say. Did you know that the most important aspect of creating relationships with others - whoever that me be - begins with listening.

Like the example above, most people, possibly even you, confuse hearing with listening. This can lead to misunderstandings, arguments and frustration for both parties and if you are the one needing to be heard, you may even feel unimportant.

You can't control other peoples actions or how they listen to you... so lets all start to adopt some great listening techniques for ourselves (You will be amazed at how people will love talking to you when you are a great listener!)

---

So how do you become a great listener?

It's easier than you think, and it it's paramount to your progress in relationships and when doing business. If you don't learn to be a great listener you will continue to discount other peoples thoughts, they in turn will become emotionally distant (not a great thing in an intimate relationship) and they will no longer want to contribute to conversations or provide you with creative ideas (That hurts in a business situation!)

Here are some important tips!

• Listening takes attention, focus and the willingness to accept what you are being told. It also helps if you are aware of what is NOT being said as 80% of communication is conveyed through body language.
• Affective listening is NOT a passive activity. Your brain works much faster than your ability to speak... this means you will often jump too far ahead in a conversation IN YOUR OWN MIND and miss an opportunity to fully understand the other persons feelings, opinions and perspective.
• Distractions and assumptions often interfere with what is being conveyed, so be sure to really concentrate on the other person so you can take in their words and notice their gestures.
• It is your responsibility to respond appropriately (Verbally and non verbally) to what the other person is saying, true listening is a gift of your time. So pay attention! (Put the phone down, turn off the TV, maintain eye contact... not the creepy type of eye contact though)
• Keep your mouth shut while the other person is talking, your silence allows you to really listen... most of the time we listen, come up with a solution or a comment in relation to what the other person is saying.... waiting, waiting, waiting for a chance to speak... we listen for a short amount of time, then wait for our turn to share our awesome idea... this actually cuts the flow of communication. So give your full attention, let go of the need to offer solutions immediately... Just be present and listen.
• Be interested... really interested! A great listener looks interested in what others are saying. Know that your body language is very important! Maintain eye contact, sit or stand still, lean ever so slightly towards the other person, nod your head on occasion so the person talking knows you are interested and and that you understand what they are saying.
• Let them know you have heard them! If you are really listening you will be able to confirm this when the other person pauses. You can verify what you have heard and ask questions to clarify you have understood their intent (not offer solutions). Ask for clarification that what you have heard/understood is correct. This is an added bonus for the person talking as they will know whether their message is being interpreted as they had intended.
• Be on a level playing ground! Ensure you are both at the same eye level. Come out from behind the desk and sit with someone, both sit or both stand... not one standing while one sits. This allows for a more open and honest conversation.
• Show some respect! Sometimes conversations need to remain private, keep it that way!  This may be critical feedback or personal issues... respect the private information you hear, guard it closely. Even if it's the biggest news or the best gossip you've heard all year... It's not your story to tell , just listen, and let it go! This builds trust and respect.
• Avoid taking things personally, even if you disagree with what the other person is saying. You must accept what is being said without argument! After the conversation, think about what was said and formulate a response. As a great listener you must be willing to let the other person have the time and space to fully express their feelings NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DISAGREE! Their feelings are real for them, respect that! Do not brush them off or invalidate them, it will crush their spirit and create unnecessary animosity.
  
• Be thankful! Always thank the person for sharing their thoughts. Be genuine. Reward their courage to speak up and be heard... especially if they are pointing out something that you need to improve.
• It's an awesome opportunity! Feedback is the food of champions and it will help you grow, so it must be welcomed with an open mind. Always evaluate all points made, not just the ones you agree with.
  
• YOU should NEVER be too busy to listen to someone else's opinion or point of view! It's a beautiful gift!

---

If you re looking for more ways to improve your effectiveness, contact us for a complimentary discovery session or attend an upcoming workshop or event!

To your ongoing success!

Georgia